Woman Attacked by Rabid Fox!

More local news today. This was on the front page of yesterday's local paper here in Charles Town. (had to scan it because the paper doesn't have a website...go figure...it's West Virginia) Some papers run stories on the economy...or the war in Iraq....or some kind of political scandal. Here in West Viginia...our citizens are getting attacked by foxes. Seriously, who get's attacked by foxes? I thought that stopped happening like a hundred years ago. Evidently not...

Click Here for a higher resolution version of the picture that you might be able to actually read.

TV Land's 100 Greatest Quotes and Catchphrases

It's like reliving all those old TV shows in a couple minutes. And to think of all the time I wasted actually watching these shows when I could just read this and basically get the whole point.

Click Here to see the list.

Flaming Tennis Ball Catapaulted Into Gasoline Soaked Leaf Pile

A proud moment for America...



Remember, only you can prevent forest fires.

Long Lines

I went down to the post office today to send off a small package and check my P.O. Box. It struck me as I was waiting in line that the post office must have some of the longest lines in the line waiting industry.

When I think of long lines I usually think of things like the Department of Motor Vehicles, any grocery store on Saturday, roller coasters, airport security and stuff like that. So I decided to see if there was any research out there about who has the longest lines.

...I couldn't find much objective data but I did find this. Good reading if you're waiting in a long line....and have internet access.

So full....

That's my 2 word summary of Thanksgiving. If I were to expand it to more words it would include something about deep frying turkey and hommade pumpkin pie.

But I kind of like the short version.

Happy Thanksgiving

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Is Something Going On Here?...

Yesterday I read Scott Adams talking about atheists coming out the closet in his Dilbert blog.

This morning, the Washington Post website features an article about Polygamists starting to fight for their rights.

I think we're headed for some kind of apocalyptic God vs. Satan world war. It'll probably start when they hang Saddam Hussein and he doesn't die but starts to get bigger and bigger and then becomes a Super Hussein and starts wreaking havoc.

Well maybe that's far fetched, but I did think it was weird to see articles about both in the same week.

Thanksgiving Preparation

Wow, what a game! In case you didn't know Ohio State beat Michigan 42-39 yesterday in what has to be one of the best games I have ever seen. My score prediction was a little off, but at least the bucks won. I have to give Michigan a lot of credit. I think they deserve a rematch in the Glendale, AZ.

So now we have Thanksgiving already. Doesn't it seem like Halloween was just last week?

In case you haven't started getting ready here's a 7 day game plan to get you started.

We'll be deep frying our turkey again this year. If you've never fried your turkey before I highly recommend it. It's really a lot of fun to do and it tastes fantastic. Also, if anyone is in the area and doesn't have much going on for the big day or doesn't want to deal with their own family, you are welcome to come to our house. We'll have plenty of fried turkey for everyone. Just email me (cyrus@uible.com) for directions.

Top 10 Reasons Why The Buckeyes Will Beat The Wolf People

As Tiny Elvis would have said, "Look at that college game....that game is HUUUGE!!!"

Although I currently reside in West Virginia, I grew up in Ohio and still consider myself a buckeye fan. I know the "buckeye" isn't the most intimidating mascot in the world of college sports, but what are you going to do? It's the state nut...or fruit...or whatever a buckeye is. Actually, real buckeyes are pretty pointless. You can't eat them because they're poisonous. However, chocolate and peanut butter buckeyes are delicious. If you've never had them, just go to any store in Ohio and they can probably hook you up with some. Or make your own.

I'm going to lay it out there today and predict that the Buckeyes will defeat the little wolf people tomorrow 27-17. For the following reasons:

1. As I said earlier, buckeyes are poisonous. Even if the wee little rodent folks eat one, they will soon die and wither because of it's poisonous wrath.
2. Jim Tressel's (OSU Coach) first words when he was 2 years old were "Beat Michigan" This was quickly followed by his first utterance of "momma" and "papa".
3. A secret crocodile pit has been installed on the Michigan sideline...crocodiles love wolf meat.
4. OSU plans on using a new remote controlled football developed by their science department. It will allow Troy Smith to fly his passes directly to his receivers. Michigan can use this football too, but only Troy has the remote...and he's not sharing.
5. The game will be in Columbus, OH where a new city ordinance is in effect which requires all football teams from the state of Michigan to play without shoes.
6. The new Michigan uniforms might be a problem.
7. While touchdowns for OSU will count for the normal 6 points, touchdowns for Michigan will not count because the referees will somehow not see them...any of them. Don't believe me? Did you see OSU beat Miami a few years ago?
8. The state of Michigan has 2 halves and everyone knows that a state divided cannot beat anything from Ohio.
   
9. OSU has better offense, defense, special teams, coaches, line, backs, receivers, security guards, cheerleaders, dance squad, fans, marching band, stadium food, beer, tail gate parties, athletics, academics and shipping costs.
10. Ohio State will have a surprise substitution if needed late in the game.

So there you have it. No matter the fact that we all know what the outcome will be because of all the irrefutable evidence listed above, the game should be fun to watch anyway.

Umm...What's He Holding?

Every thursday we get the latest edition of The Spirit (our famous local newspaper here in Charles Town) delivered to our door. I'd post a link for them, but they don't yet have a website. I mean..it's only news...it's not like anyone would want to read news on the internet. No reason for them to have an email address either. Only a trusty phone number.

Actually, in their defense, I heard they did have the internet once...but it was a complete disaster. Their staff found the pop-ups to be too distracting. The world is just not ready for the reality of what goes on in this small town...or maybe it's the other way around.

Usually the paper is only good for fire starting material or looking up which one of my old neighbors died, but occaisionally something will stick out at me as being funny or typically small town or just ignorant. For example, here's an ad that ran today for a real estate agent in the area. I could go on about how the text of his ad is designed to create emotional basketcases that become really worried about purchasing their next house, but just look at the picture. Tell me there isn't something wrong here:

Can you believe this ad runs every week? I've heard he's a good agent...that kind of reputation must make him excited.

How Big is YOUR Signature?

Not your signature that you might use to sign a check or a job application. I'm talking about the lines that you can add automatically to the bottom of your emails. People will usually put their name, company, contact info, website or some kind of combination thereof. Some of you in the bureaucratic corporate world might even have a fax #, division of your company, title, office #, direct #, cell #, etc.

If someone has your cell and direct number, do they even care what your office number is? Just wondering.

Some people even use the signature to promote a business they're growing or fundraising effort they are supporting. I used the second option when I was fundraising for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. It actually worked pretty well. I got quite a few donations from people that didn't receive any marketing emails. The only way they could have known about it was because of my email signature.

However some people take the signature to a whole new level. I just received an email from someone with the following signature added to the end of an email (I'm keeping their information confidential since they don't know I'm posting this. It wasn't spam, otherwise I wouldn't care):


[Their name is here]
[company name is here]
[work address]
[work address]
[work number]
[fax number]
[cell number]
[email address]

OK, no big suprises. Pretty standard signature.....but then...below this...

***********************************************************************************

CONFIDENTIALITY NOTE:
This e-mail and any attachments are confidential and may be protected by legal privilege. If you are not the intended recipient, be aware that any disclosure, copying, distribution or use of this e-mail or any attachment is prohibited. If you have received this e-mail in error, please notify us immediately by returning it to the sender and delete this copy from your system. Thank you for your cooperation.


IRS CIRCULAR 230 NOTICE: Recent revisions to IRS Circular 230 require that certain steps be taken by a tax advisor before his or her written tax advice may be relied upon to avoid IRS penalties. Those steps, which generally are time-consuming and result in substantial additional legal fees, were not undertaken in connection with any tax advice which may appear in this communication. Accordingly, this communication was not written or intended by the sender or their company, to be used, and cannot be used, by any taxpayer for the purpose of avoiding tax penalties that may be imposed. Further, any written statement contained in this communication relating to a federal tax transaction or matter may not be used by any person to support the promotion or marketing of, or to recommend, any federal tax transaction or matter addressed in this communication.


some company LLC
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
***********************************************************************************


What's the big idea? It's ok for most of the world to send regular emails with regular signatures but I guess some people need to have an 8 page legalese signature. I'm surprised I didn't have to sign something and fax it to their office before being able to just open the email.

So now I'm going to start paying attention. If anyone sees an even bigger signature than this send it to me and I'll post it...hopefully without breaking any sort of law or gigantic signature addendum.

Cyrus
blogging4burgers.blogspot.com

CONFIDENTIALITY NOTE:
This blog and any posts are confidential and may be protected by a big mean dog. If you don't think any of this blog is even slightly entertaining, be aware that any spamming, making fun of, or laughing at behind my back or disrespect of any part of this blog is strictly prohibited. If you have come to this blog in error, please bookmark this site immediately and return to it again and again and become a regular reader. Also, give feedback or comments. Thank you for your cooperation.


IRS CIRCULAR 230 NOTICE: Recent revisions to IRS Circular 230 require that certain steps be taken by a tax advisor before his or her written tax advice may be relied upon to avoid IRS penalties. Who knows what any of this means. Do you really think any normal person is going to have a f***king clue as to what the IRS Circular 230 notice is? Much less the recent revisions! Accordingly, this communication was not written or intended by the sender or their company, to be used, and cannot be used, by any taxpayer for the purpose of avoiding tax penalties that may be imposed. However if you use this communication for other illegal activities that is probably still no ok. Further (because you know this signature isn't done yet) any written statement contained in this communication relating to a federal tax transaction or matter may not be used by any person to support the promotion or marketing of, or to recommend, any federal tax transaction or matter addressed in this communication. So pay your stupid taxes already and stop trying to use this communication aka blog to promote your tax evasion! You got all that! Good.

Possible World Farkle Champion?

Our friends Tom and Christine taught Liz and I a new dice game a couple weeks ago while we were at a negotiating seminar in Charlottesville, VA. Here are the rules. They aren't exactly the same rules that we used, but they're pretty close. It's kind of like yahtze except way more points.

I wouldn't want to play against this guy:

Want to have a popular blog?

From Guy Kawasaki. The more I read his blog, the more I enjoy it.

Read The 120 Day Wonder: How To Evangelize A Blog

Rainy day...again

The weather here was absolutely perfect...a couple days ago. Since Saturday, however, it's been perfect as well...if you really love cold, windy and soggy. I am not one of those people, but I am an optimist. So I've compiled a short list of situations where the weather could be described as absolutely perfect:

1. If you're a right wing Republican explaining how the weather is simply God's reaction to the midterm elections.

2. If you're a Democrat hoping your opponent says something like #1 to the media.

3. You're collecting rain in gigantic reservoirs in preparation for the next great dust bowl.

4. You're the owner of windshield wiper manufacturing company, umbrella company, rain coat company...you get the idea.

5. You have one of those rare diseases that make you allergic to the sun. It's party time!

6. You like to go to the beach, but only if you can have it all to yourself.

7. You've been waiting for a good opportunity to use that Dominos Pizza coupon you cut out of the Sunday paper.

8. You're actually in Hawaii on vacation while the weather is sucking at home. Something about that seems to make vacation that much nicer...in a "glad I wasn't you" sort of way.

9. Your house is on fire....not that you should even think about that but if it were in fact on fire wouldn't you want the weather to be rainy?

10. You've been just waiting for the opportunity to curl up with a hot cup of tea and a good book for 3 days straight.

So there we go. Thank goodness the weather is so cold, windy and soggy. It's a true blessing.

Do You Speak Horse Track?

If you know where I live then you probably already guessed. We went to Charles Town Races and Slots last night. Our friends the Andersons invited us to participate in a fund raiser dinner for their son's school. Also, some more friends from town (Greg and Stephanie) were going to be there. Easy decision. There's probably some tips to be learned here for other people raising funds for other causes.

Would You Like to Help With Our Fundraiser? Umm, I'm really busy. Maybe you could call another time. And how'd you get this number?

Would You Like to Help With Our Son's School's Fundraiser? Umm, possibly. What all is entailed? How much do I have to spend in order to help?

Would You Like to Join us at an awesome buffet, bet on horse races, have a drink from the cash bar...and do it all to support our son's school? You had me at buffet. Who do I make the check out to?

I intended to recoup all my costs by hitting a trifecta, but it was not to be. I did bet on a horse called Jeb's Angel across the board in race 6 because I liked the name. Sure enough, it was my only winner of the night. I wasn't the only one who picked a winner however. Marybeth's sister Cindy was also with us. Her husband and I had yet to win a race and she won by picking a name she liked on a horse that was 23-1 to win.

If you've ever been to a horse track you probably seen the programs. It's not just a list of horse names and the odds. There is a ton of information that is listed for each horse but it's all in code. So just because you know how to read english doesn't mean you will understand a single word in the program. However, there are courses and books you can read in order to understand it all....any casino will be happy to point you in the right direction.

Luckily for us, Greg, our friend who was with us, used to work at the track. He can speak and understands horse track. So he explained enough to me so that I could pour over all the numbers and stats and at least look like I knew what I was looking at. It's really funny to see all these guys at the race track studying their programs like they are going to make some kind of "informed" bet.

I have to admit, it is kind of fun making the bets themselves. It feels like you're a real insider when you say "gimme a 2 dollar 3-7-4 trifecta and a number 10 across the board". Then you hand the guy $4 and go back to your seat. Most of the time you don't win and then you get up and repeat the process for the next race. Very exciting. Especially when you're making bets while you're in the buffet. Because you can always take the consolation prize of getting another plate of food while you wait for the next post time.

We spent most of the time in the nice restaurant area of the track. People are dressed up, the food is fantastic and the annoying sound of thousands of slot machines can't be heard. Those things sound like a room full of alarm clocks going off at the same time....alarm clocks are evil. However, down in the lower level it's another story. It's called the "Mainline" in horse track language. Down there they have simulcast betting on just about every track in the entire universe. Do you remember that bar in Star Wars where Han, Obiwan and Luke meet up for the first time? That's exactly like the mainline. Heavy smoke, lot's of really strange looking people, and tons of dirty looks. Next time I go I'll be sure to take some photos of the mainline in order to show everyone here what I'm talking about.

So to sum up, just bet on the name of the horse you like. You'll have more fun, you won't have to learn horse track, and you'll probably beat out all those guys acting like they do understand horse track.

Here's A Quick Way To Write A Blog Entry

link to something funny.

Get Rid Of Money Problems Once And For All...

My friend David has just written a book that will definitely help you do just that. It's really a fantastic book with some of his best teaching that I have ever read. If you really are serious about changing your financial position in life dramatically you absolutely must read this book. If you actually do what he says you can easily triple your income within 12 months and that's just the start.



I personally know a lot of the people mentioned in this book as "Maui Millionaires". It's all true, and yes, this book works.

Here are some methods that can help car owners save money on gas

I was having a discussion with a friend of mine this weekend about the bad case of selective amnesia Americans tend to have as a whole. Do you remember memorial day earlier this summer when gas prices were well over $3/gallon? There were news stories everywhere about how SUV and truck sales were plummeting and Toyota and Honda sales were increasing.

Seems now that gas prices have fallen we've done it again. Truck sales are increasing dramatically. Figure that a new truck will probably last at least 10 years. Do people really think that gas will stay at today's prices for that long?

Here's some reality. Gas will be at $5/gallon within 3 years. Not exactly stepping out on a limb with that prediction, but it's my prediction none the less. So, in the not so distant future here is a method that will help anyone save hundreds if not thousands in gasoline expenses depending on how far their commute takes them.

• Don't drive - Take a bike, walk, ride a horse, segeway, unicycle, big wheel, hot air balloon,whatever. Not a new idea, but perhaps it's time to rethink it. More exercise, better health, and smaller gas bill. Also saves money on car insurance.
• Public transportation - Always a good idea, especially if you live in a city that has it. Here in West Virginia there's a tractor that goes through town which people can jump on if they need a ride to the county fair, but that's it.
  
• Drive, but don't use gas -- This method is really effective if you have to drive downhill most of the way. You can use your car, but do not use the engine. This will save you tons on gas and dramatically improve your mileage. Doesn't work quite as well uphill, but the Flintstones seemed to work it out ok, so why not try?
• Drive and use gas, but use someone else's car -- This method is really great for you, but has no net benefit for the environment. You get all the benefits of not driving (lower gas cost for example) with all the benefits of driving while using the motor. Test this out with friends, especially friends with an extra car that they don't really use that much.
  
• Don't pay for gas (not recommended) - All those stickers with a very serious looking state trooper saying that you will lose your license if you drive off without paying make this method less likely to work longterm. Shorterm, however, you will definitely save on gas.

These are just a few. If anyone has more ideas I'd love to hear them. We should all be collecting these ways to save money on gas now so we can implement this in the $5 days ahead.

The Secret Of Making Funnel Cake Neatly

Going to the county fair has got to be one of the funniest things a person can do. If you live in a big city and have never been to one I highly suggest doing so. Make sure to bring a camera. There might be something or someone that you'd like to remember for a long time. Here in West Virginia there is no shortage of funny stuff. Just check out our county fair website. We have crash up derbies, farm animal auctions, balloon tosses and sometimes funnel cakes.

Recently I've been tasked to make them for the youth group we work with here in town so I've had the opportunity to learn a neat trick that makes the entire process much less messy and more convenient.

The Olde Tyme Way:
Make batter. Pour batter into ye olde school funnel where it will drip or run unevenly into the hot oil, leaving splatters and spillage of batter everywhere.

The New Fangled Way:
Ahead of time, put the batter into one of those big 64 oz ketchup bottles. Then you simply have so neatly squeeze it into the batter! No mess, no fuss.

You still have to flip the cakes over in the oil. No change there. You also need to put powdered sugar on top of the cakes when you done. Definitely no change there either.

So next time you want to bring the carnival home with you (just the funnel cake part. You probably want to leave most of the carnival at the fairgrounds.) and you don't want a big mess just use this little secret.

Who Else Wants To Have Women Dancing Like Crazy At Their Next Party?

Are planning to throw a party sometime soon? Do you want to have your living room aka dance floor packed with lovely ladies dancing the night away? On a strict budget? No problem! Here's some ways to really get the floor flexing for your next dance party.

• Quick Dinner - If you really want to keep the energy level high, don't do a sit down dinner. While they definitely have their time and place they tend to take too long if you are planning on dancing. Serve you food buffet style so people can eat quickly. Dinner will only take 20-30 minutes this way as opposed to an hour or more. This will leave everyone with plenty of energy for the dance floor.
• Energy Food -- It's probably not the best time for a huge turkey dinner that will put every one to sleep. Try to do pasta or chicken or something vegetarian.
  
• Drinks -- depends on your crowd. Some good beer, affordable wine (there are plenty of good options for less than $10), and a bottle of champagne is always a good bet. Make sure to have plenty of water available. Dehydration will end your dance party prematurely.
• Music - Should be in between cheesy wedding dj fodder and "classic dance hits of the 80's." Think Oye Como Va, not YMCA.
  
• Chocolate - I can't explain it, but it makes women want to dance. If chocolate cake is too much hassle some small candies will do the trick.

So good luck to you with your next party. I hope these ideas will help your reputation grow as being the go to person for great dance parties.