Spam-a-lyzer 1.0

We all get spam. In fact most of us probably get tons of spam. I won't go over the statistics here, but somehing like half of all email is supposedly spam. However, some spam is more entertaining than others which is why I've decided to break down and analyze a spam that I received today. Many of you have probably received this exact same one. This is just my take on it.

This email showed up in my Outlook from David Smith [david_smith307@hotmail.co.uk]
Subject: I need your assistance (highly confidential)
I don't know what it is about spammers and using yahoo and hotmail email addresses from the UK. I guess in the US we ask people when they sign up for free email, "are you a spammer trying to rip off rich americans who don't understand how to read their email?" I think in the UK they just make you promise to only rip off Republicans.

Positive signs in red.
Cautions in blue.

FROM : DR DAVID SMITH <-- good credibility Doctor
MANAGING DIRECTOR, CITI GROUP ABIDJAN <--Citigroup does actually have an office here in Abidjan, Ivory Coast, another good sign. check it out.
01 BP ABIDJAN 01. <--address doesn't match the website.
REPUBLIC DE COTE D`IVOIRE
TELEPHONE +225 0788 4580
FAX +225 0788 4581
EMAIL ADDRESS; davidsmith360@yahoo.fr or Dr_Davidsmith@financemail.net <--I guess 2 email addresses are a good thing. In case you need one for backup. I know I have something like 5 email addresses. However, it is kind of funny that neither one of these are the same as the one i actually received the email from.

DEAR SIR/MADAM, needs my highly confidential assistance but doen't know if I'm a man or a woman evidently.

PERMIT ME TO INFORM YOU OF MY DESIRE OF GOING INTO BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. Sounds like any normal business pitch to me. Though when I read it I think of Borat. I GOT YOUR NAME AND CONTACT FROM THE IVOIRIAN CHAMBER OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY. How did they get my name AND my contact. Also, if he got my name he must be obeying some kind of cultural thing by not actually using it out of fear of offending me.I PRAYED OVER IT (well that's good. at least he is a praying man) AND SELECTED YOUR NAME AMONG OTHER NAMES (I'm confused. He prayed over my name and contact and selected me among the other names? Maybe he means he selected me AND the other names. I must be part of a larger group which passed Dr. Smith's prayer test) DUE TO IT'S ESTEEMING NATURE (I do think the name Cyrus Uible has an esteeming nature. Thank you Dr. Smith for mentioning it. That a plus for you.) AND THE RECOMMENDATIONS GIVEN TO ME AS A REPUTABLE AND TRUST WORTHY PERSON I CAN DO BUSINESS WITH (I got to hand it to you Dr. Smith. You really know how to stroke an ego. However, this is in blue because I don't know a single person in your country and in fact I really cannot think of any possible way that you would know someone who would be able to give you any information about me besides my email unless they were spammers in which case I don't even want to know how much they know.) AND BY THEIR RECOMMENDATIONS I MUST NOT HESITATE TO CONFIDE IN YOU FOR THIS SIMPLE AND SINCERE BUSINESS. I agree. He that hesitates is lost. Also, I'm all about businesses that are BOTH simple and sincere. So much nicer to be involved with than those complicated crooked businesses, like trading convertable debt on the bond market.

I AM DR DAVID SMITH, THE MANAGING DIRECTOR OF CITI BANK ABIDJAN. (He must not remember that he already mentioned this earlier in his email) I WOULD LIKE YOU TO ASSIST ME IN TRANSFERRING THE SUM OF 1.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR INVESTMENT. How much assistance does this really require? And "Your Country" I'm starting to think that Dr. smith is a very forgetful person. He clearly know who I am and has listed to reccomendations of me and think of me as a highly trustworthy and honest person, but I don't think he knows what country I live in. ) THIS FUND WAS DEPOSITED IN MY BANK BY A LATE CUSTOMER, MR PHILIPS BANKS, WHO DIED IN AN AVIATION CRASH FEW MONTHS AGO. ACCORDING TO THE INFORMATION WE HAVE IN OUR DATABASE, HE HAS NO NEXT OF KIN TO THIS INHERITANCE. I wonder if it's the same database that Dr. Smith got me email address from? Also, if you are very wealthy, make sure to be extra careful when aviating in west africa.

SIR, IAM HONOURABLY SEEKING YOUR ASSISTANCE IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS. It is nice to be honourable sought after. Maybe Dr. Smith is also a Samurai.

1) TO STAND AS THE BENEFICIARY OF THIS FUND( SINCE THE BANK IS OFFICIALLY UNAWARE OF HIS DEMISE). "officially unaware of his demise" good one. However, wouldn't the bank be willing to let someone be the beneficiary if they were aware of someone's demise? Maybe the banking regulations in West Africa are different than they are here in the states. However, next time someone asks me if I know if some old celebrity is still alive I will of course reply, "I'm officially unaware of that person's demise." And of course I'll chuckle to myself and have Dr. Smith to thank.

2) TO PROVIDE A BANK ACCOUNT WHERE THIS MONEY WOULD BE TRANSFERED TO FOR INVESTMENT IN YOUR COUNTRY. that shouldn't be too hard.

I AM DUE FOR RETIREMENT IN A FEW MONTHS TIME. I INTEND TO RELOCATE TO YOUR COUNTRY WITH MY FAMILY IMMEDIATELY AFTER MY RETIREMENT. THIS MAY WELL SERVE AS A RETIREMENT BENEFIT TOP BOTH OF US. Wow, a benefit that would TOP both of us? Wait a minute...I have no idea what that even means.

MOREOVER, SIR, I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU 30% OF THE TOTAL SUM AS COMPENSATION FOR YOUR EFFORT INPUT AFTER THE SUCCESSFUL TRANSFER OF THIS FUND TO YOUR NOMINATED ACCOUNT OVERSEA. You know Dr. Smith, I think now you're being a little bit greedy. Not only are you probably trying to empty my bank account, stealing the lost inheritance of Philips Banks (whose demise the bank is unaware of) , and deceiving your employer. Now you only want to give me 30%?

FURTHERMORE, YOU CAN INDICATE YOUR OPTION TOWARDS ASSISTING ME AS I BELIEVE THAT THIS TRANSACTION WOULD BE CONCLUDED WITHIN SEVEN (7) DAYS YOU SIGNIFY INTEREST TO ASSIST ME. PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS; Dr_Davidsmith@financemail.net or davidsmith360@yahoo.fr I opt to not write Dr. Smith an email. I have a feeling it could lead to my demise. Worse yet, my bank may not even be officially aware of it.


YOURS SINCERELY,
DR DAVID SMITH( MANAGING DIRECTOR)
CITI BANK, ABIDJAN.

Thanks again Dr. Smith for thinking of me, but I will have to pass. However, I wish you luck in your future business adventures.